• Youth asking others to come and volunteer unload pumpkins at our pumpkin patch
• Someone else at the pumpkin unloading saw my post with a photo of the front lawn before the pallets went down
• Former church member commenting on the pumpkin patch from New York after seeing the next photo I uploaded after the front lawn was covered in pumpkins
• Fellow church member comment about life after the priesthood
• My sister disparage Coke for pretending sugary drinks play no part in childhood obesity

Individually, all of these things may never be connected. But, in my life, it has kept me close to several different people who may/may not know one another. This has got to be a good way to communicate and evangelize to folks. It just has to be.

Her answer is what made my weekend difficult.

It seems both our former foster children and one of hers (total of three siblings) are still in the foster case system with the family member who took them back when they were reunited.  It took me back to last Winter.  We lost our kids because the state wanted to reunite them.  For us, it was difficult.  We don’t want to break up families.  No one in the right mind would want to do that.  However, children in foster care are there for a reason and foster parents play an important role.  We don’t just take care of them until they go home.  We also bond with them and if we are fortunate, they have a happy ending.  But, when they leave your home, you have no idea what happens to them.  The state will not keep you abreast of their progress and the only chance to know is having made a lasting friendship with their family.  In our case, that was not possible.  In any event, it seems they are also the problem.

No details, but suffice it to say, the kids probably should have stayed with a foster parent.  Either us or another home, but not with their family.  A year and half later, they have still not been adopted.  It was supposed to take six months.  That’s not a good sign.

It also hurts.

It made me mad.

I recall telling their case worker that we did not agree with the state’s decision to reunite them.  The family, both parents and grand-parents, had lost them after attempting to provide basic care.  We didn’t think it was wise to see if they would change after all that time.  Still, it was their decision and we accepted it.

It was hard losing them.  In fact, we took several months off and accepted no new placements, even though we still wanted to adopt.  We knew being foster parents would be hard, but reality was more so than we expected.

So, it was with real anger that we accepted the current state of these kid’s placement.  They are with family, but, apparently, not permanently.

How do you live a childhood like that?

We will try to ask our current case worker (the one helping us through adopting our current foster kids) about these other children.  The worst she can tell us is that we can not be involved.

I just don’t think we can walk away without knowing.

However, today we discovered a possible way to get them to daycare each morning without it turning into a shouting match – stickers.  If you have a child these days, you know how prevalent they have become.  Every teacher/daycare worker/tired parent has them.

Birthday parties – stickers.

Daycare – stickers.

Chuck E. Cheese – stickers.

They’re everywhere.  While we have steadfastly refused to get into pushing stickers for fear of creating addicts, we can’t deny our kids are well aware of them.

And now we have become dealers ourselves.

As they were almost out the door this morning, I thought to myself, “What if I just give them stickers in the morning, instead of when they get home?  Will that change their bevahior on the ride to daycare?”

I got a quick answer.

Not ten minutes later, my wife called and said, “The stickers worked.  There was no noise in the car.  None.”  Now, normally this means everyone has been unruly and dad has threatened to give them to gypsies or leave them at some other undesired location outside town. (Uh, no, we aren’t leaving the kids anywhere.  Didn’t your mom play with you as a kid?)  This time, they just wanted to keep the stickers and were willing to stay quiet for that to happen.

If it’s really that simple, I will be buying in bulk at some street corner late at night.

However, since we wanted to adopt, it meant we were faced with starting over with another placement. We have had several inquiries (from the placement agency) about children and a near placement of an infant. Thankfully, we were able to receive two children (boy and girl) into our home this past January. As the parent’s rights had been terminated and there are no other family members interested in placement, the state is considering us for permanent placement or what we normally call it, adoption.

Now, being a foster parent comes with its own set of trials and tribulations. I won’t bore you with the myriad classes and regulations we have to follow, but suffice it to say, we have ongoing coursework, monthly visits and endless paperwork due on a regular basis. It is true that some people are “professional” foster parents, i.e. they have several children in their home and are not interested in adoption. We are not in that group of folks. (As an aside, I think they provide necessary relief to the system as these children would otherwise have no home.)

We are now over four (4) months into the placement. In order to achieve permanent placement, you need about six (6). I am happy to say all signs point to our moving in this direction “soon”.

So, what does this have to do with my blog. Well, the stress of being a foster parent is real. Today, my wife met with our agency’s case worker for over an hour. (For reference, we work with Lutheran Social Services of the South and have our own case worker. The children are placed by Child Protective Services and have their own case worker.) Afterward, my wife had to take them to daycare and then drive to work. That’s when she called to tell me how it went. To say the least, she was stressed and not happy. Things are still going fine with the adoption, but the paperwork and surveys did not help when she then had to deal with two unruly children.

With children in foster care, you have specific rules of parenting on how to deal with problems. You even have to write them out as part of the initial and ongoing certification process. Often, this is not a problem. You tell the kids to behave and they do. Every now and then, you come across a problem that requires a loud voice or perhaps some “time out”. Sometimes it takes a toll on you. All the effort and then writing about it on a report each month is often more than you want to do. But, then you see the child’s face and remember, “If they don’t live here, where will they go next?”.

I don’t know how often I will write here about being a foster parent, but it will become part of the landscape. I might also ask my wife to see if this will help her let off some steam. She’s actually an accomplished writer (high school, college) and much better at it than me.

This brings me to or current quandary.

Our foster son does not listen to my wife. In fact, he does not accept female authority well. It’s quite a challenge to my wife as she is quiet and calm by nature. The prospect of disciplining a child and even raising her voice or putting them in “time out” is hard for her.

My advice was simple. “No matter what you are doing, where you are at or who is present, let him know you are in charge and he has to listen. Even if it gets ugly, no other parent will be surprised or look down on you. They’ve been there themselves.”

I reminded her of Paul’s similar sentiment when faced with his actions in light of God’s plan. He did what he did not want and yet, God loved him. He was happy that God had created rules and borders for his life. Now, he could live comfortably and peacefully knowing his actions would be acceptable to God.

I reminded my wife that one day our son would look back and thank her for the hard work of teaching him right and wrong, all while loving him more than he could ask or imagine.

[Update] Well, things are still going along slowly. One day good, part of one day bad. We love them to pieces.

Technorati Tags:
christian